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Couples TherapyAre you tired of the same old hurtful fights that never seem to get resolved?Do you feel like you and your partner have drifted apart - unable to discuss difficult issues or resolve differences?Has a betrayal occurred? orIs there an addiction problem that has not been addressed?
I believe that every couple deserves to have the relationship they are longing for. If you are like the majority of distressed couples that I see, while you want a caring, loving, committed relationship with your partner you both lack the skills needed to create and sustain the life that you want together. Instead, and sadly so, you may be simply re-enacting traumatic bonds modeled in your past. In addition, we are all bombarded by media images of relationship breakups and statistics of alarmingly high divorce rates. I would like to offer a new perspective - one that allows for you to gain the skills necessary to overcome so many of the difficulties that are common in most partnerships. If you can identify with any of the above problems, or have been in distress in some other way in your primary relationship, the good news is that there is a way out. What you will Learn that will Change your Relationship:
There are many reasons for seeking professional help for your relationship and all of them are equally important. I want to help you regain a sense of hope that change is possible. I want to communicate clearly that you can grow into the people you aspire to be. I believe that very rarely is all lost. “We’re closer and so in love right now.”
What I noticed is that when we first came into the room there was a negative charge. We had been feeling helpless in our ability to negotiate conflict. Neither of us was getting our needs met. We had hit a wall in our arguments, not knowing how to get out of our patterns and help each other. I would just get angry and triggered. As we worked through the session, we got more and more in sync and there was this attraction to each other that happened. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to feel this intimacy with my partner - my wife. We’re closer and so in love right now. I found the initial session exciting - we left feeling like we really accomplished something for the relationship. We’re working on this together. I found the work really natural - I didn’t have to go and read three chapters of a book - it’s innate. It’s amazing to feel each other’s energy - that was really profound.I learned that it can work despite our differences. It was awesome and we will continue. - S. F. COMMON ISSUES THAT UNDERLIE RELATIONSHIP TROUBLE1. Not knowing what constitutes a healthy relationship: This is often the case when you did not have good role-models growing up. Many of us grew up in alcoholic families, or in families where parents were war survivors or had experienced other traumas and losses, that they never were able to resolve. As a result, their marriages suffered. It leaves a void - we lack the ability to envision an emotionally healthy and happy union and so we are unable to translate that into everyday action with our partners. What usually happens instead is that we begin to replay what we witnessed in an unconscious repetition of the past. Most couples who come into therapy are surprised to discover how much this applies to them. Knowledge is power. Beginning to build and create a sense of a healthy partnership - one wherein trust is regained and openness and honesty prevail, will pave the road to a new life. 2. Insecure Early Attachments It has been shown that the way we attach early in life with our primary caretakers will determine how we attach later on as adults. We are attracted to partners who behave in ways that are familiar to our inner understanding of love relationships. When we begin to work on our current partnerships, it helps to be patient, for we are working on changing patterns of behavior that have been with us from the earliest days of our lives. We are reprogramming our nervous systems and rebuilding new pathways for healthy and secure bonds to occur. Current neuroscience and the study of the brain is helping us understand how everything about us is relational. When we are born our brains and nervous systems are not fully formed. They are built by the interactions we have with the outside world, and in early life that is usually our mother, father and family members. How we are treated determines how we treat ourselves and others. Most parents did the best they could with what they had. However, unknowingly, they sometimes did more harm than good. Brain science is inspiring hope - because we now know that healing and growth is possible throughout our lives. We can change anything we put our minds to! 3. Unresolved Trauma and/or Loss The following list is just some of the many difficult experiences that take a toll on our ability to be open and vulnerable in our relationships. You may have had to endure a lot of pain growing up or later on in life:
These things impact our emotional availability in relationships in increasingly negative ways. We would all love to believe the myth that “Time heals all wounds.” Unfortunately, it’s not true. In fact, the longer we carry our unresolved hurt, sadness, and fear, the larger it becomes and the more it spills over into our current interactions. I once had a client begin therapy at 82 years of age, having never healed the sexual abuse she experienced as a child. 4. A Chronically Thwarted Fight/Flight/Freeze Response Our emotional (survival) brain has functioned to keep us alive since our first ancestors faced the saber-toothed tigers. Whenever there is a perceived threat of any kind our brain and nervous system responds by either fighting, fleeing or freezing (becoming immobile in the face of danger). It’s built in and biological and intended to preserve the self. The more we are exposed to ‘danger’, the more pain we will have stored in our emotional brains. The more pain that is stored, the more we will be ‘on the look out’ for trouble. And often, the more sensitive we will be. In relationships this translates to being ‘triggered’ by things our partners say or do that remind us of the pain of the past. If you get ‘triggered’ a lot in your relationship, you are probably reacting with intense emotion, sometimes to things that may be considered by others to be quite minor. Often, couples will trigger each other’s emotional brains back and forth, establishing repetitive painful interactions that continue a pattern of re-traumatization. CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT CHANGEI have had the great privilege to learn to practice couples therapy from two of the most talented couples therapists in the world - Dr.’s Ellyn Bader & Peter Pearson. Their Developmental Model of couples therapy addresses all the issues above and can assist you in creating permanent and meaningful change. Here’s one couple’s experience in early therapy:
Sophie: “I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him but I was not able to communicate at all. My exchanges were extremely frustrated - to the point where we would just walk away from each other - we came to a complete impasse.” Where the Solution LiesWe live in a world that teaches us to focus our attention outward most of the time. It follows then that when we approach our relationship breakdowns, it is more typical for us to point our fingers at our partners rather than at ourselves. “If only he/she would change, everything would be fine”. Unfortunately, it’s never a oneway street. It takes both of you to make the bliss and both of you to break it down. Each of you has your contribution to the impasse and learning how to take the focus off of your partner and onto yourself, will assist you to become the best you can be. When each of you buys into this idea of how change happens, you are on your way to manifesting your goals. The Bader-Pearson approach goes beyond the idea of fixing the problem. It focusses instead on creating the relationship you are longing to have and becoming the best person you can be. DIFFERENTIATION IS THE KEY TO HEALTHY FUNCTIONINGOne of the key focuses of Bader-Pearson approach to couples therapy is the concept of differentiation. It is a word many of us may not be familiar with and yet is completely relevant to our capacity to thrive in a close personal relationship. In short, differentiation is the ability to self-reflect and then express one’s truest thoughts, feelings, desires, fears and dreams in the context of a close personal relationship. In other words, it can’t be done on your own. Most people know how to be independent, and many partners operate in pseudo-independence. To be independent is to be able to know what interests you and to go about seeking it. These are often healthy pursuits that help to define who we are. If you are ‘psuedo-independent’ it means that you probably had to grow up fast - and skip some or all of the ‘dependent’ phase of your development. This will make it difficult for you to lean on your partner or be vulnerable - both of which are necessary for a healthy partnership. Differentiation is a developmental process that happens in the first few years of life, but often the process is thwarted. It is about defining who we are and what we want from life. Many of us are faced with the need to complete this developmental task in our adult relationships so that we can act more 'adult-like' in our interactions. A Journey of Courage and Self DiscoveryIf you have come this far, and are considering couples therapy, I hope you will give yourself a huge pat on the back. Couples therapy is not for the weak or faint of heart. It is for those who want more from life and love. There are different reasons why couples reach out for help:
Whatever reason is bringing you to therapy, you can be sure that you are demonstrating your commitment to living with integrity. You and your partner can learn to transform toxic interactions into soothing tonic for you and your relationship’s soul. Choosing couples counselling takes courage. It means you are choosing to live in the solution rather than continuing to live with the problem. Call today to create the love your relationship deserves!
Sue Diamond Potts Counselling
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