Christmas Shopping
Emotional Sobriety Matters
November 2009
Published by Sue Diamond Potts, M.A, Registered Clinical Counselor
Website: http://www.suediamondpotts.com
Email: sue@suediamondpotts.com
Phone: 604-682-1484
Hello!
With the upcoming holiday season around the corner, I thought it might
be helpful to share a few thoughts around spending habits and our
relationship to money. Christmas is a time of year when many of us can
feel pressured to provide and ‘prove’ our worth in a strictly material
way. Don’t get me wrong – there is absolutely nothing wrong with
giving. In fact, I feel that it is an inherent part of our well-being.
The act of both giving and receiving connects us to one another in a
deep and meaningful way. However, it is important that we know both
when and how to give, and that we are aware of our motives behind our
giving. While there are so many ways that we can give – our time, our
concern, our understanding – during the holiday season we often link
our giving to a tangible gift. When sorting out healthy from unhealthy
giving, you may wonder: Am I giving as a true expression of my carin g
or out of obligation? Am I giving to impress someone so they will think
more of me? Can I afford this gift or will it create financial strain
in my life? Do I believe the value of the gift equals the amount of
love I have for that person?
These important questions can help us understand our spending at a
deeper level. When examining your spending habits, I believe it is
important to reflect on what you learned growing up. Did your family
celebrate birthdays and holidays by lavishing expensive gifts on
others? Or were there scarce resources – both emotionally and
financially – that meant that special occasions went unnoticed? Or was
your family practical, spending within their means and providing the
more important gifts of love and positive regard throughout the year.
What we learn early on can set in motion powerful patterns in our lives
that continue to unconsciously replay themselves. I know that when I
was growing up there was a lot of competition for scarce emotional and
financial resources. My mother lived on credit and spending was
undoubtedly a way that she could make herself feel better. It seemed
every time we turned around she w as buying more furniture! To her
things represented status – it was important to “look good” in order to
“feel good”. For much of my adult life it was ‘normal’ for me to be
living on credit. When I didn’t have enough money to buy what I wanted,
I would borrow it – from the bank, from family or friends. While it was
extremely stressful, it was the only template I had for managing my
money (or more accurately – other’s money). The way we relate to money
can tell us a lot about our values, priorities and our sense of
security.
Julia Cameron & Mark Bryan’s book “Money Drunk, Money Sober: 90 Days to
Financial Freedom” is a great resource for anyone wanting to learn more
about their money patterns and how to grow toward financial solvency.
They state that for alcoholics and addicts, money is often the last
frontier of change and I’d like to share in this newsletter some of the
knowledge they provide. When we are out of balance with our spending or
our relationship to money, we can be “money drunk”. In other words, we
use money, much like we would use alcohol or drugs or the internet, to
soothe our uncomfortable feelings. Just as there are many types of
alcoholic drinking patterns, there are different spending patterns.
The Compulsive Spender
"When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping” is an expression
that fits this type of spender. Under stress, shopping relieves anxiety
and provides a temporary ‘high’ in the form of new things. According to
Cameron & Bryan, more than any other form of money addiction, the need
for compulsive spending is easily viewed as an attempt to block
feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. It is also a way to avoid
feeling ashamed. If I can buy something when I want it, rather than
feel powerless, I can feel powerful; rather than feel less-than I can
feel better-than. I can feel more beautiful, sophisticated and ‘cool’.
I can walk away - for the moment - from any discomfort arising inside
me that indicates ‘I’m not good enough, smart enough or rich enough’.
Many compulsive spenders are more comfortable with crisis management,
finding the calm of ordinary life “boring”. Unfortunately, the lie
that the credit card debt – on all the cards – ‘is no big deal’
continues to fuel an inner state of stress that takes its toll on
individual health and well-being. All addiction is fueled by a lie. It
is only when we are able and willing to face the truth that we can find
a way out. In order for compulsive spenders to recover they must begin
to make the emotional links to their spending and commit to healing
uncomfortable states rather than medicating through buying.
• Do you impulsively buy things you don’t need or can’t afford?
• Do you shop to alter your moods?
• Do you play credit card roulette, filling up one and then moving on
to another?
• Do you worry more about having money to spend than how to make it?
If so, you may be a compulsive spender.
The Big Deal Chaser
Just as the drink is the solution for the alcoholic’s problems, The Big
Deal Chaser believes that “this is the one” that’s going to make them
rich and famous. This is a person driven by grandiosity, unable to see
the wreckage they are creating in the futile attempt to “win big”. The
motive underlying their desperation is the lie that they can avoid the
normal experiences of emotional discomfort and insecurity. Cameron &
Bryan believe it is one of the most difficult belief systems to change.
It looks like ambition, but is often an addiction to revenge: “I’ll
show them”.
Most Big Deal Chasers have a “magic number” – the amount that they need
to make everything alright. It becomes their ‘obsession’. Needless to
say, our society encourages money addiction – from government run
casinos to lotto commercials about the lavish lifestyle awaiting you
should you be the next winner.
There is also another, more subtle deal chaser – the workaholic.
Working longer and longer hours, at the expense of family and friends;
refusing to take vacations because they “can’t afford it” and
generally fuelling all of their resources into their job, these money
drunks hope that one day the pay off will be love and recognition. The
problem is that self esteem cannot be garnered from external sources
and most people I’ve know that have attempted this, cannot take in the
positive strokes they receive because deep down inside they don’t
believe it. In recovery, the ' waiting ' to get happiness from the
quick fix has to stop and finding fulfillment in the present moment
must begin, where whatever you have right now is ‘enough’.
• Do you have a magic number and has it gone up?
• Does your lucky break have to be “sudden” and “huge” and
“impressive”?
• Does it cost you more to live than you make?
• Do friends, family or co-workers tease you about the amount of time
you spend at work?
If so, you may be a big deal chaser.
The Maintenance Money Drunk
Like the maintenance alcoholic, this type of money drunk is the most
subtle and hard to recognize. This individual does a job because it
pays the bills. While they appear to be responsible, they are not
psychologically present as they grow more bitter or numb from the
inability to pursue or even name their own desires. It is the life of
quiet desperation, wishing endlessly for things they never take action
towards attaining. Instead, they tune out in front of the TV, night
after night, tuning out the internal dialogue that whispers discontent.
There is a feeling of ‘giving up’ - of powerlessness that can only be
medicated by chronic dreaming. The ‘lie’ they pursue is that “next
year” I’ll get a better job; I’ll start that course; I’ll go on that
vacation….These money drunks are mad as hell underneath and in recovery
must fuel that anger from passivity towards positive action.
• Is the pay the only thing I like about my job?
• Does my work conflict with my value system?
• Do I make “home improvements” rather than “life improvements”?
• Do I feel stuck?
• Do I frequently abort plans for new projects?
• Do I often complain about what I might have been?
If some of these are true for you, you may be maintenance money drunk.
The Poverty Addict
With the poverty addict, money is shameful. There is an addiction to
self-deprivation which leads to a sense of self-righteousness or a
feeling of being virtuous due to the frugal nature of your ways. Many
times, this can result from a misinterpretation of spiritual or
religious beliefs, where poverty means goodness. It can come from being
rewarded early on in life for not needing anything and therefore not
putting any additional strain on parents who are already overwhelmed.
There is a constant sense of a lack of money and the continual worry
and constant complaints that go along with it. The behaviors of a
poverty addict reinforce this state – working overtime and not logging
it, undercharging for services rendered, giving away what you have and
basically, bending over backwards to give others whatever they want,
without any expectation of being compensated accordingly. And while
there may exist an exterior façade of moral superiority, underlying
this is a deep sense of scarcity and low self-worth. The way out is to
begin to undo your “financial anorexia” by learning how to give to
yourself in a reasonable and satisfying way.
• Do you think there is some virtue in being poor?
• Do you forget to collect the monies owed to you?
• When you have more money, do you spend it on other people instead of
yourself?
• Do you underprice your skills or feel guilty about asking people to
pay you for your work?
These are just a few questions to ask yourself if you believe you may
be a poverty addict.
The Cash Co-Dependent
This is the person who finds herself paying for the extravagances of
her money drunk partner. She supplies the money to finance someone
else’s big deal chases or compulsive spending. She goes along to get
along – sometimes buying into the scheme – thereby enabling the
behavior to continue. She is under the mistaken belief – or lie – that
her money equals her love. A cash co-dependent has no problem saying
no to his own spending – he runs into trouble saying no to her
spending. Often, he will get a sense of superiority from this –
treating his partner as a child who needs to be taken care of. In
reality, it is he who needs to learn self-care.
Cash codependents can be manipulative – rewarding good behavior with a
‘gift’ to soothe the other. They can offer to pay for things that they
think the other would benefit from, rather than focusing on their own
wants and needs. Recovery involves the ‘selfish’ pursuit of choosing to
put their financial needs first and learning how to say ‘no’ to
financial caretaking. In this way, self worth can begin to grow as the
bitterness and cynicism are healed.
• Are you afraid to say no to your partner about money?
• Do you feel you have to baby-sit his or her spending?
• Do you often complain to friends or family about your partner’s
money habits?
• Do you worry about how to protect your own assets in your
relationship?
• Do you lie to your partner and tell him or her you have less money
than you do?
If any of these fit for you, you may be a cash co-dependent.
Increasing Awareness
The point of summarizing and sharing this information with you is to
help bring awareness to how you handle your money during the holiday
season. If you could identify with any of this information, you
probably understand that money is often used for more than just paying
bills – and buying appropriate gifts with what is left. Instead it
represents the way to fill our lives with happiness. Like all
addictions, money addiction is progressive and has its roots in
self-esteem issues. Like all addictions, the solution lies in both
abstinence from the behaviors while resolving the underlying emotional
issues. The good news, is that all learned behavior can be replaced
with new, healthier ways of responding that foster well-being and
happiness.
Tracking Holiday Money Habits
Pay attention to your spending over the weeks leading up to the holiday
season. Identify the two types that most describe you (for a deeper
understanding of the types and the solution, please read Money Drunk,
Money Sober, 90 days to financial freedom by Julia Cameron & Mark
Bryan). Write about your relationship to money and how you notice you
‘use’ money to help manage emotional discomfort. Keep a journal and
write down your feelings associated with your spending. By doing these
simply things, you will have begun your journey to recovery from money
addiction.
Remember: Giving is not the issue – appropriate giving is an essential
part of a well-balanced life. The goal in emotional sobriety is to be
financially solvent. Cameron & Bryan define this as a feeling of being
comfortable with money – not anxious about it, and not careless with
it, either. It is a confident feeling of being prepared for anything
life presents us with, of living within our means at all times. With
this in mind, you have some new tools for approaching your spending
during this holiday season.
Warm wishes for a financially solvent holiday,
Sue Diamond Potts
Sue Diamond Potts, M.A., is a therapist in private practice
specializing in helping individuals and couples overcome addiction and
trauma and achieve emotional sobriety. If you think you or your
relationship could benefit from counselling, don’t hesitate to contact
Sue @ 604-682-1484 or by email: sue@suediamondpotts.com.
This newsletter is meant to provide you with information and tips for improving yourself. It is not meant as a substitute for therapy or counselling. Please feel free to forward a copy of Emotional Sobriety Matters (in its' entirety) to others who may be interested in personal development.
Sue
Diamond Potts, M.A., R.C.C.
Registered Clinical Counsellor, (#178) |
 |
Sue Diamond Potts Counselling
Services
Phone: 604-682-1484 | Fax: 778-329-4554
Email: sue@suediamondpotts.com
635–470 Granville Street (@ Pender St.), Vancouver, B.C. V6C
1V5
Serving Vancouver, the Lower Mainland, North Vancouver,
West Vancouver,
Sunshine Coast and Washington State.
|
